A little quick and furious about crawling from John Cena
by Maurice Tougas
Do you know John Cena?
Otherwise, good for you; it is not really worth knowing.
For the uninitiated, John Cena is a former professional wrestler. According to the World Wrestling Entertainment website, he is a 16-time WWE Champion, Author and “Actor” (quotes are mine).
To quote the website directly: “After earning the respect of his peers by becoming the Olympic hero, Cena became a supernova as a fire-breathing doctor in Thuganomia, ultimately reaching the top by toppling JBL for his first ever championship. WWE at WrestleMania 21. “
If you don’t understand any of this, don’t worry. This is nonsense.
The bottom line is that Cena is an incredibly muscular wrestler / actor in the Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson mode. He is also a whiny, smirking coward. Yes, I said it. Come get me, John, he said, knowing full well that John Cena would never read this.
Cena issued a creepy apology for an alleged insult last week. Now, creepy excuses are rife among celebrity classes. There isn’t a week that a celebrity doesn’t say something instantly labeled racist / sexist / homophobic / transphobic or a combination of all four, who then issues a clearly unwritten apology by her to the Twitter crowd.
Cena recently found himself in one of these situations. His crime?
He made China angry. No, not Chyna, the former WWE wrestler (who died, anyway). And not porcelain from your grandmother’s cabinet of curiosities. The real China.
Here is the story. Cena stars in a new movie called F9, the latest installment in the incredibly popular Fast and Furious movie franchise. (If you’re unfamiliar with the Fast and Furious franchise, it’s basically a bunch of good guys and bad guys who find an excuse to go around the world in fast cars. That’s basically it. )
Cena was promoting the film in Taiwan, where he made the following unforgivable statement: “Taiwan is the first country to be able to watch” the film.
Did you understand the offending term? Maybe Taiwan isn’t the first country to see the film?
No, Cena’s crime was to call Taiwan a country.
Now you and I can think of Taiwan as a country, because it is. Twenty-three million people live there. They have their own passports. It is the 22nd largest economy in the world. It sounds like good faith to claim nation status.
But China says Taiwan is part of China and that the Chinese Communist Party – the most powerful organization in the world – takes these issues very seriously. The world has tiptoed around this issue, not wanting to anger China, especially since China has reported 2,000 ballistic missiles aimed at Taiwan.
John Cena doesn’t want to anger China either. He really, really, really doesn’t want to anger China.
After his supposed mistake in calling Taiwan a nation, Cena posted an apology video. To make sure it gets to the right people, he posted it on Weibo, a Chinese social media network. And he spoke in Mandarin.
“I made a mistake,” Cena whimpered. “Now I have to say something that is very, very, very important: I love and respect China and the Chinese people.
“I am very sorry for my mistakes. Sorry. Sorry. I am really sorry. You must understand that I love and respect China and the Chinese people.
The only thing that would have made it more obsequious was if he bowed humbly.
But why would John Cena care if China doesn’t like him? Could it have something to do with $$$$$? Or maybe ¥¥¥¥¥?
China is a huge market for Hollywood products. In 2020, China became the world’s largest cinema box office. If the producers of F9 are to recoup the film’s $ 200 million budget (films have to make at least double their budget to make a profit), they’re going to need that sweet, sweet yuan.
And if that means the heroic, hyper-muscular star of the film has to crawl past the Communist rulers of the most oppressive and dangerous country on Earth, then get on your knees, John, and say you’re sorry.
Sorry sorry sorry.